By Andrew Blumetti
In a Fantasy World: It’s often been said that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. After eight hours of sleep, you pop up out of bed, pour some fresh-squeezed OJ, slice up some fruit, enjoy some toast and oatmeal, and rack up those all-important vitamins right out of the starting gate. It’s healthy, nutritious, and an all-around great way to give your body and mind the fuel it needs to take on the day, grab the world by the throat and say “Doggonit, there’s no messin’ with me!”.
In Reality: After leaving more fingerprints on your snooze button than John Wayne Gacy at a Chuck E. Cheese, you stumble out of bed- groggy, freezing cold, and cursing the fact it’s not Saturday. After glancing at the ungodly late time, it must somehow be Daylight Savings Time and the clocks are wrong, right? Nope. After a quick shower, the realization sinks in that a healthy breakfast (which is for squares anyway) is taking a backseat today. Toasting a frozen bagel or waffle is too time-costly, so it’s time to open the cabinets, pour some cereal in a bowl, drown it in milk and scarf so quickly, you think it might be time to call the Guinness Book of World Records instead. (I know, cause this was every day of my senior year of high school, then racing to my first class to not get yelled at by my drill sergeant/teacher Ms. Carluccio.)
Well, I hope you had enough time to enjoy your breakfast this morning and get your day off to a fantastic start. Why you ask? Well, get that grey matter fired-up, do some deep-knee bends and prepare yourself for the most undelicious cereal pop quiz ever…
1. Which of the following is highest in 10 essential vitamins and nutrients?
A. Special K
B. Raisin Bran
C. KIDDO BALLS
- I can’t believe the people who named this are allowed to drive cars on the same road as the rest of us.
2. Looking to cut back on that nasty jerk sugar? Look no further than this breakfast treat…
A. Apple Cinnamon Cheerios
B. Grape Nuts
C. KING VITAMIN
- This one just hurts, cause I can’t find a royal racing coach anywhere now…
3. This delicious cereal is so good, kids love to eat it out of their hand without milk…
B. Cinnamon Toast Crunch
- This makes sense, cause everything I eat is lacking in EARTHQUAKE power.
4. If you’re looking for non-soggy cereal, this is where it’s at…
A. Lucky Charms
B. Golden Grahams
C. CRUNCHY LOGGS
- The choice of picky beavers everywhere…
5. This delicious treat was rated a kid-favorite for five-years straight:
A. Cap’n Crunch
B. Cocoa Puffs
- The official breakfast sponsor of To Catch a Predator. Hey kids, don’t forget the “Dynaman Rub-ons Inside”!!
6. Which cereal mascot was voted as America’s favorite??
A. Tony the Tiger of Frosted Flakes
B. The Trix Rabbit of Trix
C. This insane clown of Post’s “Sugar Krinkles”
- This is why you hate clowns.
7. Mmmm, this mouth-watering snack has been a passed-down favorite for generations:
A. Corn Flakes
C. NICKELODEON GREEN SLIME CEREAL
- Best part is, when you vomit this up, it’ll pretty much look exactly like it did going down.
8. This product will provide you with 70% of your daily recommended share of Riboflavin:
A. Apple Jacks
B. Fruit Loops
C. SIR GRAPEFELLOW
- If anyone can please mail me the “air car” toy, I’ll make it worth your while…
9. Which of the following will create the best small talk with the cute cashier at the supermarket?
A. Chocolate Lucky Charms
C. GOOD FRIENDS CEREAL
- Apparently, the price for politically correct-ethnocentric cereal is pretty expensive. $4.99 for this cringe-worthy box that would even make the cast of Full House laugh in embarrassment.
10. For breakfast this morning, I bet you had…
A. Frosted Mini Wheats
B. Cookie Crisp
C. CRISPY HEXAGONS
- Thank the good people at Mathrite, finally bringing our love of geometry and breakfast together at last.
11. Looking to cut back on those awful carbs? Dig that spoon right into…
A. Boo Berry
B. Cracklin’ Oat Bran
C. MR. T CEREAL
- I pity the bowl this crap gets poured into…
12. Genius Albert Einstein wore the same outfit every day and actually ate this meal every morning:
A. Rice Krispies
B. Shredded Wheat
- I was gonna make fun of this stuff, but helping Urkel find Laura really tugs at my heartstrings.
13. I’m finishing up this quiz so I can go to Stop & Shop to buy some…
B. Honey Nut Cheerios
C. APPLE YO’s
- I just realized this comes in a TWO POUND BAG. That borders on child abuse.
I just can’t take Dynaman seriously.