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2012 Predictions! (In Lego Form)

By Andrew Blumetti

Noise makers a makin’! Champagne bottles a poppin’! Dick Clark being allowed on television once a year! Based on that and the added fact that I’m still eating leftover Christmas lasagna and seeing nonstop commercials for a new season of women crying on The Bachelor, it must mean that end-of-the-year celebration of New Year’s Eve is ripely upon us. In my opinion, it’s the still the second-best holiday to fall on the 31st of a month, but the Honeymooners marathon sure sweetens the deal.

For some, it’s a time to reflect and celebrate the twelve months that’ve just flown by like a hurricane in the warm tropics, and for others, it’s a chance to plan, hope and look forward to a clean slate of a fresh year ahead, much like untouched white blanket of snow on a cold winter’s morn in the mountains. So, if you’ll be spending your final hours of this year hand-in-hand with loved ones, making last-minute bets for Sunday’s NFL games, or running around like a derelict with a lampshade on your head and dip on your shirt, I wish you a most safe and joyous New Year’s Eve, and happy and healthy 2012 to boot.

Here’s the thing- once that shiny ball drops at midnight and everyone’s been kissed, it’s stinkin’ January. That means cold weather, nonstop awards shows, and accidentally signing “2011” on forms and checks till about early March. So, what’s around the corner to greet us in Y2K12? (just rolls off the tongue like Sofia Vergara, doesn’t it?) It’s certainly a big juicy one- elections, Mayan calendar mumbo jumbo, leap year gobbledegook, Winter Wipeout… what a bunch of fun-filled crap coming our way over the next 366 days my friends.

So, I digress, what’s to come in 2012? Unless you have a crystal ball, it’s just a crapshoot guess …which I love to make. Well, “lego” of 2011, and join me in some predictions. I guarantee 90% accuracy come next December 31st.*

* No I don’t.

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PREDICTION #1: News breaks that all of Batman’s scenes in this summer’s sure-to-be-blockbuster The Dark Knight Rises are secretly portrayed by George Clooney to make up for Batman and Robin. This doesn’t bale, err… bail him out of it.

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PREDICTION #2: In an elaborate prank, Super Bowl halftime show performer, Madonna, and golden-locked Thor-a-like Green Bay Packers defensive lineman Clay Matthews switch roles. No one notices until the final notes of “Like a Prayer”.

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PREDICTION #3: Three words: Zombie Colonel Sanders. (KFZ!)

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PREDICTION #4: Calvin from “Calvin and Hobbes” goes a full 24-hours without peeing on something.

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PREDICTION #5: Eat your heart out Michael Phelps. The gold in the 2012 Summer Olympic Games in London is swept not by America, but by Stormtroopers.

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PREDICTION #6: Say it with me…. Academy Award winner Kim Kardashian.

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PREDICTION #7: This November, current President of the United States, Barack Obama, will being to pack up his bags, basketball and Biden to vacate the White House to make way for PRESIDENT PEE WEE HERMAN.

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PREDICTION #8: Jolly gingered jokeman Conan O’ Brien leaves cable channel TBS for the cozy confines of BET Network. Televisions nationwide break from color contrast.

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PREDICTION #9: President Herman is impeached after just 12 hours. Enter the much more efficient, PRESIDENT RON SWANSON. Candidate for the Bacon Party.

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PREDICTION #10: The Houston Astros wrap up a successful 2-160 season.

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PREDICTION #11: Millions are in shock when the yellow Angry Bird suddenly becomes happy, causing the bunch to split up. Like The Beatles all over again…