A Blumes With A View

Archive/RSS/Ask

A blog that's more fun than at least two of the Lethal Weapons. But I won't say which ones...

Courtney Love… Love!




By Andrew Blumetti



image



She gives love a bad name.  Correction, make that the worst name.



As a general human population, we all can’t stand Courtney Love.  She’s crass, offensive, and sings like Jonestown cats committing mass suicide. 



But by golly, you gotta give that hay-haired nutjob credit where credit is due. 



Back when current downward-spiralers, Lindsay Lohan, Amanda Bynes, and Justin Bieber were dooking their fancy diapers, Love was already America’s national train-wreck.  She’s the closest thing to the human equivalent of Will Smith’s After Earth we’ve ever seen with our own two eyes.   But take a second to look at her track record of awful consistency— over twenty years of being a flat-out mess of a person… that’s spanning some part of three decades folks.  Even that ‘ol battle axe Queen Elizabeth is impressed at that run. 





Ok, ok, that’ s not impressive, it’s jerkish, I can’t blame you for thinking it.  Perhaps a closer look is needed… Let’s feast our eyes on her rap sheet… in Night Court. 



(rimshot)



She spent the majority of the 90’s with more drugs in her system than Tom Hanks in the last half hour of Philadelphia, her estranged daughter won’t give her the time of day, she’s started wars with former members of Nirvana, mounted a failed comeback of her band, Hole (without her band, Hole), and to top it all off, she may or may not have sent a shotgun shell through her late husband’s blonde noggin…



…or so Pat Smear would have you believe…

image

Quit looking so coy, Smear. 



She’s started feuds with Madonna, Marilyn Manson, Billy Corgan, and Kelly Osbourne, cancelled tours the way Michael Moore cancels diets, and rubbed most likely half the earth’s population the wrong way with her attitude. 



But if that miserable green Grinch with his curly toes in the fluffy Whoville mountain snow, and his probably unhealthy-sudden heart growth taught us anything, time heals all wounds, we all grow up, and maybe once notoriously-nasty Courtney has sewed up her ripped stockings, tossed the syringes, hung up her vomit-covered babydoll dresses, and isn’t that same rageful beast anymore. 



It’s easy to just assume abrasive Courtney kicks cute puppies, steals crispy grapes at the supermarket, and voted for Taylor Hicks to win American Idol… she’s just like that, right?   Well, get emotional, it’s time to open your heart and bust out your Kleenex, because perhaps a 21st Century Courtney Love doesn’t hate, this Love, well, loves.




…and what does Courtney Love, love?



Well…



Courtney Love love love…

image



————————————————————-



Courtney Love love Luvs…

image



———————————————————-



Courtney Love love brotherly love…

image



——————————————-



Courtney Love love Love is

image



———————————————————-



Courtney Love love Lovie Smith

image



——————————————————



Courtney Love love “Love Will Keep Us Together”…

image



————————————————



Courtney Love love “Love Will Tear Us Apart”…

image



——————————————————————————



Courtney love Love Boat…

image



————————————————



Courtney Love love love bugs…

image



————————————————————



Courtney Love love crack…

image



————————————————



Courtney Love love Love and Basketball…

image



——————————————————



Courtney Love love Love Guru…

image



———————————————————————-



Courtney Love love “Love Shack”…

image




 

"Sammy Hay-gar"

By Andrew Blumetti

Try to find where the hair ends and the hay begins.  It’s impossible.  

Cabo Wabo!

A Full House Comic

By Andrew Blumetti

“DjEGGngo Unchained”

By Andrew Blumetti

2013 SUMMER MOVIE PREVIEW (BASED ON AUDIENCE ANNOYANCE) PART II- JUNE



image



If you’re like me, you’re gonna spend a good chunk of the summer listening to LFO’s “Summer Girls” nonstop on cassette tape.  Since that never gets old, why not take a break, catch a blockbuster summer flick, and eat 2,000 calories worth of buttery popcorn?   You look like you could use some fresh air. 



I didn’t leave you hanging, here’s May




—————————————————————————————————-

 

THE INTERNSHIP

image



RELEASE DATE:  JUNE 7

STARRING:  Vince Vaugh, Owen WIlson, Rose Byrne, John Goodman, Max Minghella, Joanna Garcia, B.J. Novak, Jessica Szohr, Dylan O’ Brien

DIRECTED BY:  Shawn Levy

SYNOPSIS:  Google Wedding Crashers

No, don’t actually do that.   It’s a description.  Vaughn and Wilson play two salesmen, squashed by a dot com world, who take on a coveted internship at Google amongst a sea of tech-savy millennials.

AUDIENCE ANNOYANCE LEVEL:  (5)   Actually, I don’t want Google to block my page from search results.  I take it back.  This will be an audience of angels. 



——————————————————————————————————



THE PURGE

image



RELEASE DATE:  JUNE 7

STARRING:  Ethan Hawke, Lena Headey, Adelaide Kaine, Max Burkholder, Edwin Hodge, Tony Oller, Rhys Wakefield

DIRECTED BY:  James DeMonaco

SYNOPSIS: 

- To alleviate a crime-ravaged America, the government sanctions an annual 12-hour period in which any and all crime is legal.  YAY! 

- Stupid Nickelback is in Canada, so they’re safe.  BOO!   

AUDIENCE ANNOYANCE LEVEL:  (6)  Theater crowd reaction is a big-time roll of the dice with horror films.  Get a good audience and it becomes a memorable event; get a giggling gaggle of goobers and you’ll be wishing that 12-hours of legal crime was actually real.  In this case, water balloons full of urine never hurt to have on hand.



———————————————————————



THIS IS THE END

image



RELEASE DATE:  JUNE 12

STARRING:  Seth Rogen, James Franco, Jonah Hill, Danny McBride, Craig Robinson, Jay Baruchel, Emma Watson, Michael Cera, Jason Segel, Paul Rudd, Mindy Kaling, Aziz Ansairi, Rihanna

DIRECTED BY:  Seth Rogen, Evan Goldberg

SYNOPSIS:  Celebrities face an untimely apocalypse while at a party at James Franco’s house.  On a side note, that is the most redundant sentence ever written in the history of mankind. 

AUDIENCE ANNOYANCE LEVEL:  (9)  Make sure to get there early so you avoid the logjam of smart-phone-toting malcontents Instagramming pictures of themselves outside the door.  This is what happens when those monstrous spoiled girls on My Super Sweet Sixteen finally reach the age to see R-rated movies in the same theater as you.   



————————————————————————-



MAN OF STEEL

image



RELEASE DATE:  JUNE 14

STARRING:  Henry Cavill, Amy Adams, Michael Shannon, Diane Lane, Laurence Fishburne, Russell Crowe, Kevin Costner

DIRECTED BY:  Zack Snyder

SYNOPSIS:  Going through Batman withdrawal this summer?  Fear not comic book fans, as 300 and Watchmen director, Zack Snyder, and The Dark Knight mastermind, Christopher Nolan, team up to give us what appears to be the most promising vision of Superman we’ve seen in ages.  

AUDIENCE ANNOYANCE LEVEL (2):  You kent stop possibly the summer’s most anticipated film from bringing in all Lois lame types, but fret not, the giant crowds won’t be your enjoyment kryptonite.  And those people can’t possibly be more annoying than what I just wrote. 



—————————————————————



WORLD WAR Z

image



RELEASE DATE:  JUNE 21

STARRING:  Brad Pitt, Mireille Enos, James Badge Dale, Matthew Fox, Lucy Aharish, Elyes Gabel, Bryan Cranston

DIRECTED BY:  Marc Forster

SYNOPSIS:  The apocalypse is really the Pitts in this long-awaited silver-screen adaptation of Max Brooks’ 2006 epic zombie saga novel which has notoriously been plagued by directorial spats, rewrites, delays, and an inflated budget that looks like Chris Christie’s “before” picture one year from now.  Likely his “after” picture too…

AUDIENCE ANNOYANCE LEVEL:  (5)  Watching walking corpses chow down on people on a big screen can’t be beat.  Unfortunately, WWZ's PG-13 rating will naturally bring in some younger chatty chatterboxes, and sadly, you can't beat them either.  



—————————————————————————



MONSTERS UNIVERSITY

image



RELEASE DATE:  JUNE 21

STARRING:  Billy Crystal, John Goodman, Steve Buscemi, Sean Hayes, Charlie Day, Joel Murray, Frank Oz, Helen Mirren, Aubrey Plaza, John Krasinski, Bonnie Hunt, Bobby Moynihan, John Ratzenberger

DIRECTED BY:  Dan Scranlon

SYNOPSIS:  What’s crazier than Animal House?  Monster House.  Killer keg stands, toga frat parties, and nerd-concocted bra-bombs to hassle that starch-shirted, stick-in-the-mud, party-hating Dean.  All with a delightfully whimsy Disney Pixar twist, of course. 

AUDIENCE ANNOYANCE LEVEL:  (2)  You’ll be surrounded by kids, which means schoolyard rules apply- you’re free to act as childish as them.  Booyah!



—————————————————————————



THE HEAT

image



RELEASE DATE:  JUNE 28

STARRING:  Sandra Bullock, Melissa McCarthy, Michael Rapaport, Marlon Wayans, Kaitlin Olson, Tony Hale

DIRECTED BY:  Paul Feig

SYNOPSIS:  It’s a pretty safe bet how the Heat’s summer is going to go-  LeBron James hoists his second championship trophy, and we all wake up from sleeping through the NBA’s postseason. 

As far as “The Heat”?  Melissa McCarthy stars as a freewheeling FBI agent and Sandra Bullock plays her more serious co-worker.  This movie will surely put the zzzzzz in “zany”. 

AUDIENCE ANNOYANCE LEVEL:  (4) You know there’s gonna be at least one poor soul who plops down money for this, thinking he’s gonna see a limited re-release of the 1995’s classic Pacino/Deniro crime thriller, Heat.  Do him a favor and talk over this the entire time, I’ll he’ll walk out happier. 



———————————————————————-



WHITE HOUSE DOWN

image



RELEASE DATE:  JUNE 28

STARRING:  Channing Tatum, Jamie Foxx, Maggie Gyllenhaal, Jason Clarke, James Woods, Richard Jenkins

DIRECTED BY:  Roland Emmerich

SYNOPSIS:  Idiots take over the White House… then the 2012 election ended!  HEYOO!! 

AUDIENCE ANNOYANCE LEVEL:  (7) When it comes to knucklehead action films, Channing Tatum is quickly becoming this generation’s wifebeatered-Steven Segal, sans ponytail.  If our last resort ever comes to Magic Mike and Mother F’er Jones to save the country from evil mercenaries, then as a nation, we’re the cucumbers in a crap salad.  Catch this now so you can say you beat the Oscar rush. 




2013 SUMMER MOVIE PREVIEW (BASED ON AUDIENCE ANNOYANCE) PART I- MAY



image



By Andrew Blumetti 



The Seven Deadly Cinemas:




I.  Sneaking into the theater.  Movie prices are more inflated than Rosie O’ Donnell’s cholesterol and you’ll have to take out a second mortgage just to get past the usher, but you can’t sneak in through the fire exit, no matter how cool Dennis the Menace always made it seem.

II.  Bringing in your own candy.  Don’t waste your time, your ill-purchased supermarket Snow Caps won’t taste as good anyway.  

III.  Congregating in front of the theater.  Get the steppin’!  Johnny Law will make short work of you punk loiterers. 

IV.  Bootlegging.  Don’t worry, Mars Needs Moms will be on DVD soon enough, no one wants your shaky black market version.   

V.  Underage kids getting into R-rated movies.  It’s not like Jersey Shore, Hot Pockets,and Instagram haven’t ruined them already…

VI.  No pets.  Slow your roll big fella, your bossy cat can wait to watch Jack Reacher.

VII.  Yelling, talking, texting and using your cell phone like an all- around derelict while others attempt to enjoy the movie.  Yep. 



Unfortunately, out of these seven, the last one is the most common theater faux pas, and the also the least likely to get their ugly, yella, no-good keisters tossed into the dirty, teenager-filled parking lot.  Since you can’t punch ‘em, and movie soda is too expensive to dump over their heads, you’d best go in prepared as we kickstart the steamy summer movie season of 2013 today.



 ————————————————————————————————



IRON MAN 3

image

RELEASE DATE:  MAY 3

STARRING:  Robert Downey Jr., Gwyneth Paltrow, Ben Kingsley, Don Cheadle, Guy Pearce, Rebecca Hall

DIRECTED BY:  Shane Black

SYNOPSIS:  Citrus Attacks!  “The Mandarin”, a terrorist foe, who may or may not be an orange, forces an Avengers-less Tony Stark to once again don the Iron Man suit.   With the copious amount of drugs Downey has crammed into his body over the years, odds are it’ll take more than that to stop him. 

AUDIENCE ANNOYANCE LEVEL (FROM 1 TO 10):  (4)  Much how the third room-temperature piece of pizza doesn’t have that same Ninja Turtles-lovin’ kick as the first slice, part tre in the movie world often rings that same bland bell.   It’s a wrinkled fate this summer flick hopes to “iron” out.   Regardless, Iron Man 3 is gonna be huge, and you’ll get comic book nerds, non-comic book nerds, summer movie fans, Avengers-lovers, and Coldplay’s Chris Martin in attendance to cheer on his annoying wife. 

Or avoid the rampant crowds, save yourself the twelve bucks, and read the entire spoiler-filled plot on the Iron Man 3 Wikipedia page already.   




————————————————————————————————



THE GREAT GATSBY

image

RELEASE DATE:  MAY 10

STARRING:  Leonardo DiCaprio, Carey Mulligan, Tobey Maguire, Isla Fisher, Joel Edgerton, Jason Clarke

DIRECTED BY:  Baz Luhrmann

SYNOPSIS:  Break out the Clearasil!  It’s like fourth-period high school English class all over again as the film adaptation of F. Scott Fitzgerald’s classic novel finally hits the big screen.  


- Possible positive review blurb:  “This Gatsby is GREAT!”

- Possible negative review blurb:  “This Gatsby is NOT GREAT!”

That’ll be all over Rotten Tomatoes come tomorrow morning. 

AUDIENCE ANNOYANCE LEVEL:  (1)  You know who goes to see The Great Gatsby in theaters during the summer?  People who don’t butter their popcorn.  Those people don’t make noise.  You’re more likely to hear their unhappy snoring husbands who fell asleep wishing they had gone to see Iron Man 3 instead.  



———————————————————————————————————-



TYLER PERRY PRESENTS:  PEEPLES

 image

RELEASE DATE:  MAY 10

STARRING:  Kerry Washington, Craig Robinson, David Alan Grier

DIRECTED BY:  Tina Gordon Chism

SYNOPSIS:  Giant goofball with a heart of gold, Wade, crashes his girlfriend’s Long Island upper-crust family reunion to ask for her hand in marriage.  Coincidentally, after the credits, audience crashes customer service desk to ask for their money back. 

AUDIENCE ANNOYANCE LEVEL:  (8) 

That’s right folks, It’s time for:  Brutally honest brotha litmus test! 

Let’s face it, Darryl from The Office wouldn’t go to see this dreck, even with Craig Robinson actually in it.  This movie would rank at a deafening 9, except the lack of actual laughs will keep it a smidge quieter. 



—————————————————————-



STAR TREK INTO DARKNESS

image

RELEASE DATE:  MAY 17

STARRING:  Chris Pine, Zachary Quinto, John Cho, Benedict Cumberbatch, Karl Urban, Alice Eve, Simon Pegg, Zoe Saldana

DIRECTED BY:  J.J. Abrams

SYNOPSIS:  A menacing adversary and his weapons of mass destruction bring Captain Kirk and the brave crew of the Enterprise into bleak territory.  If American Horror Story: Asylum hasn’t creeped you out watching Zachary Quinto on screen now, more power to ya.  

AUDIENCE ANNOYANCE LEVEL: (4)  Using the Iron Man 3 theory of cult-y nerdish followings, your stress level should be safe for this journey into space.  Unless you get that one jerky intergalactic rival Star Wars fan dressed as Chewbacca making a no-good ruckus to ruin your good time.  



—————————————————————————-



THE HANGOVER PART III

image

RELEASE DATE:  MAY 24


STARRING: 
Bradley Cooper, Ed Helms, Zach Galifianakis, Ken Jeong, Heather Graham

DIRECTED BY:  Todd Phillips

SYNOPSIS:  Sorry hard R-rated comedy fans, part three officially puts the “over” in The Hangover.  Wackiness ensues one final time as the Wolfpack hits the road for more madcap adventures and zany antics than you can shake a stick at.  None more crazy than when they jump every shark on planet freakin’ Earth at the same time.

AUDIENCE ANNOYANCE LEVEL:  (10)  What happened in Vegas certainly didn’t stay there as 2009’s raunchy raunchfest, The Hangover, became a veritable quote machine, inspiring unnecessary satchel purchases, excessive tigers everywhere, and not-so-clever frat dudes nationwide beating the term, “Fat Jesus” into the ground.  If the coming attractions that run before this film are anywhere close to accurate, they’ll show a picture of you getting frustrated in your seat. 



—————————————————————-



FAST AND FURIOUS 6

 image


RELEASE DATE: 
MAY 24


STARRING: 
Vin Diesel, Paul Walker, Jordana Brewster, Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, Michelle Rodriguez, Tyrese Gibson

DIRECTED BY:  Justin Lin

SYNOPSIS:  2012 didn’t spell our untimely demise, but now we have to deal with a sixth one of these films.  Stupid Mayans couldn’t be right for once, could they? 

AUDIENCE ANNOYANCE LEVEL:  (10) Between The Hangover Part III and this fresh turd, May 24, 2013 will forever be known as “Every A-hole in America Goes to the Theater at the Same Time Day”.  Stock in Muscle Milk will plummet and Hummer dealerships and GNC stores will fall into ruins.  



—————————————————————————————————



EPIC

image

RELEASE DATE:  MAY 24

STARRING:  Colin Farrell, Josh Hutcherson, Amanda Seyfried, Christoph Waltz, Aziz Ansari, Jason Sudeikis, Beyonce Knowles, Chris O’ Dowd, Steven Tyler, Pitbull

DIRECTED BY:  Chris Wedge

SYNOPSIS:  There’s a wrinkly slug in this movie.  It stayed in Steven Tyler’s dressing room.   No one noticed for a month and a half. 

AUDIENCE ANNOYANCE LEVEL:  (4)  Get your thumb as green as possible… it’s a film about the world of tiny “leaf men” in 3-D.  Tom Haverford says, “You’re gonna need a lot of Snake Juice to get through these two hours.”



——————————————————————————————————————-



AFTER EARTH

image


RELEASE DATE:  MAY 31

STARRING:  Will Smith, Jaden Smith, Isabelle Fuhrman, Kristofer Hivju, Zoe Isabella Kravitz

DIRECTED BY:  M. Night Shyamalan

SYNOPSIS:  Yo Homes, smell ya later!  Earth is soooo last century, leaving us fickle humans to move on to bigger adventures on distant planets in the deep black yonder.  When a routine return trip goes awry, the now abandoned third rock from the sun becomes residence to the Fresh Prince and his ragamuffin son.  Sounds like the Wild Wild Worst.

AUDIENCE ANNOYANCE LEVEL: (5)  Will Smith and his stellar track record of summertime hits can’t be argued with.  After Earth's problem may reside on the other end of the camera though.  Sadly, The Sixth Sense was 14 long years ago, and if you’ve had to sit through the teeth-pullingly-excruciating Lady in the Water, the mind-numbingly bad The Last Airbender, or the terrificly horrible crapfest, The Happening, you know the super short leash we have M. Night Shyamalan on.  Beware, if this stinks nearly half as bad as those, you may end up becoming the talkative one in the theater, and rightfully so.    





Hand-burglar turkey.

Horror Villains Celebrate Halloween! THE SEQUEL!!



Lock up your Milky Ways and Twix bars, toss away those nasty Mary Janes, un-razor those apples…  Following up this quite absurd post from last year, our favorite ghosts, ghouls, murders, maniacs and madmen are back in 2012, decked-out, dressed up and knocking at your door… for your delicious fun-sized candy. 










————————————————-



KATIE FEATHERSTON FROM PARANORMAL ACTIVITY as THE CAT IN THE HAT



—————————————-



BILLY THE PUPPET as DOPED-UP LANCE ARMSTRONG



—————————————————————————-



CAPTAIN SPAULDING as A CHOLO



———————————————————————



MICHAEL MYERS as A DORITOS LOCOS TACO



—————————————————————-



SAM FROM TRICK ‘R TREAT as HONEY BOO BOO



—————————————————————



JASON VOORHEES as LUMBERGH FROM OFFICE SPACE



————————————————————-



CHERYL FROM THE EVIL DEAD AS A HIPPIE



————————————————————-



HANNIBAL LECTER as AN ABERCROMBIE AND FITCH MODEL



————————————————



SAMARA FROM THE RING as A HOOTERS GIRL



——————————————————-



LEPRECHAUN as JEREMY LIN (KNICKS-ERA)




———————————————————

How to Make Your Own Inappropriate Movie Halloween Costume (…and Still Get Into Heaven Afterwards)



By Andrew Blumetti




Pirate costumes?  Walk the plank.



Vampire costumes?  They bite.



Naughty cop costumes?  Lock ‘em up.



The spookiest holiday of ‘em all can be a bit of a double-edged sword when it comes to picking out your costume.  Too many people just fall back on the ‘ol tried-and-true ones— they get the job done, but nothing that really sticks out as creative or showcasing that ingenuity that gets the grey matter moving.



Of corpse course, there’s the “man, that’s a stretch” bunch as well.  Something like “bubblegum under a chair" or "Black Eyed Peas”, just awkward, and not the good kind of awkward either. 



Basically I look at clever Halloween costumes the way I look at naming your newborn child- If you have to stare at it longer than two seconds to “get it”, you probably should abandon the idea from the get-go. 



Where does that leave the rest of us?  The ones who aren’t content to plop on a sheet with holes and pretend to be a crudely-drawn Peanuts-era ghost, but don’t want to blow wads of cash to do something so over-the-top avante garde, that your average person won’t appreciate it? 



Simple.  Start getting offensive.  And there’s a wealth of material from the silver screen to get you on your way…




—————————————-



IDEA #1: Little Girl in Red Coat from Schindler’s List:



Who? 

One of the most heartbreaking scenes in one of the most critically acclaimed films of the past 20 years.  We are made to feel the impact and weight of the horrors of the Holocaust witnessing this innocent, young Jewish girl, recognizable solely by her red coat (a rare moment of color in a grayscale film) and the inevitable fate which awaits her. 



What You’ll Need:

- Long Red Pea Coat

- Red Boots

- Surrounding items in black and white for color contrast





How to Still Get into Heaven Afterwards?

- After the party’s over, toss the coat to a homeless man.  He’ll be stylish and warm!



————————————————



IDEA #2:  Fire Extinguisher Scene in Irreversible



Who? 

The French really know how to make you lose your lunch in style.  A creepy accused rapist in a seedy underground club horrifically bludgeoned to death with a fire extinguisher by two men seeking revenge as half of Daft Punk provides the soundtrack.  Due to the film’s reversed storyline, it appears as one of the earliest scenes, as the repercussions of these actions soon unwind in front of our eyes. 



What You’ll Need:

- Fire extinguisher

- Plenty of horror makeup to portray a still-alive, smashed-in skull (latex, skin putty, fake blood, makeup to color bruises, etc…)

- One buddy to play the attacker, one buddy to play the attackee. 

- Boombox with disorienting house music playing



How to Still Get into Heaven Afterwards?

On the way out of the Halloween party at the bar, put out a nasty leaf-pile fire set by mischievous trick-or-treaters.  You’ve got a fire extinguisher, it’s the least you could do.



———————————-



IDEA #3: ”What’s in the Box?!?!” from Se7en



Who? 

(SPOILER)   Your average run-of-the-mill road trip into the desert with an unarmed lunatic serial killer gets all weird when his masterplan wraps up as Detective Mills (Brad Pitt) gets a heads-up, err..  off delivery he’ll never forget. 



What You’ll Need:

- Cardboard Box complete with “Fragile” sticker

- Scissors to cut a hole for your noggin to pop through

- Blonde Wig to look like Gwenyth Paltrow

- Fake Blood

- (Optional) three buddies to play Morgan Freeman, Brad Pitt and Kevin Spacey.  You’ll need a prison jumpsuit, fake guns, detective costumes and lots of paint for Morgan Freeman’s freckles. 



How to Still Get into Heaven Afterwards?

Tape that box back up, put some nice dishtowels in there, wrap it, throw a bow on top, and you’ve already started your Christmas shopping for your inlaws!



————————————



IDEA #4:  Curb Stomp Scene from American History X:



Who? 

He doesn’t celebrate Black History Month, but he sure made this guy history…  Skinhead racist Daniel Vinyard (Edward Norton) makes a royal mess on the sidewalk as he stomps in the skull of a thief breaking into his car in the middle of the night. 



What You’ll Need:


- a black buddy with a really good sense of humor

- piece of gray painted styrafoam as the curb

- a pair of white boxers

- a pair of Doc Martins

- Sharpie for White Supremacist/Neo-Nazi tattoos

- clippers to shave your head

- stick-on goatee/mustache

- Fake Blood



How to Still Get into Heaven Afterwards?

Blast this out of your car on the way home from the party. 



—————————————-



IDEA #5:  Meal from Salò, or the 120 Days of Sodom



Who?

Granted, that picture isn’t the scene in question, but I didn’t have the stomach to put it up.  The 1975 Italian shock drama is a controversial journey into immorality and depravity.  The food tastes like crap there too.



What You’ll Need:

- Clothes?  Not too many.  Maybe a loincloth or body suit for the bashful.

- Lots of friends who have similar taste in weird movies.

- A really big Tootsie Roll bar.



How to Still Get into Heaven Afterwards?


Well, first off, you’ll probably be kicked out of any Halloween parties.  Second- go watch all three Toy Storys on repeat for a week.  That oughta cleanse your soul.



——————————————————————



IDEA #6:  Bee Death Scene from My Girl



Who?

Two bumbling idiots breaking into his house on Christmas Eve couldn’t kill Macaulay Culkin, but a bunch of bees spelled the end (get it?  Spelling bee?) of Thomas J. in 1991’s coming-of-age drama, My Girl.  This scene was a tearjerker at the time, but in hindsight, the once adorable Mac ended up becoming a major-league weirdo in real life.  It’s safe to laugh at it now.



What You’ll Need:

- Floppy blonde wig

- Fake Bee Hive

- Lots of fake bees

- Makeup to produce red bumps and swelling

- Honey for good measure




How to Still Get into Heaven Afterwards?

Go home, apologize to Buzz, make friends with your old neighbor and stop the Wet Bandits while “White Christmas” plays in the background.  That oughta make you square with the big guy upstairs. 



—————————————————-



IDEA #7:  Sara Goldfarb at the end of Requiem For a Dream



Who?

An aging mother with a heart of gold who tries to recapture her youthfulness when she’s informed she will be the contestant on a game show.  Her spiral into weight loss amphetamine addiction mirrors the sad and tragic tale of the other film’s addictive characters.  



What You’ll Need:

- Makeup for general aging, lines, bags under eyes

- Ratty red wig, a la Carrot Top (with Bride of Frankenstein streaks added)

- hospital gown

- chair with restraints

- lost, glazed look on your face

- Good ‘N Plentys (as the pills)



How to Still Get into Heaven Afterwards?

You’ve already supported Good ‘N Plenty, and they’re terrible!  You’ve done enough already.



—————————————



IDEA #8:  Any scene from Cannibal Holocaust



Who?

A highly banned and controversial 1980 Italian horror film depicting the fate of a missing documentary film crew who never returned from a trip to the Amazon to film cannibal tribes.  Infamous for its scenes of intense graphic violence, including the on-screen deaths of actual animals, director Ruggero Deodato, was arrested on obsenity charges in Italy due to rumors that actors were killed on-set.  



What You’ll Need: 

- Blow most of your budget on fake blood

- Some jungle brush, maybe a fake turtle, snake, or monkey

- Friend who loses a bet has to dress as a cannibal jungle tribesman



How to Get into Heaven Afterwards?

Nope.



————————————————————



IDEA #9:  Russian roulette scene from The Deer Hunter



Who?

The Vietcong force their captive POW’s to play Russian roulette.  Controversial for depicting the North Vietnamese as savage, racists and killers, as not one case of Russian roulette has ever been proven in such cases during the Vietnam War.



What You’ll Need:

- Revolver, Nerf if you choose

- Ratty, dirty war clothes

- Makeup for dirt

- Your best DeNiro impression.  Or worst.



How to Still Get into Heaven Afterwards?

Go get some Vietnamese food.  That should even things out.  Don’t go to a Thai restaurant and say “it’s the same thing”, trust me, that doesn’t go over well.




Amanda Bynes: My Initials Buddy




By Andrew Blumetti



We’re few and far between. 



The rare breed whose initials kickstart the alphabet like a greased pig chasing an Oreo out of the gate.  It’s like reading one of those alphabet banners above the chalkboard in a rainbow kindergarten classroom. 



They call us the AB’ers.



In our secret monthly meetings, Alec Baldwin arrives wearing the living heck out of a swanky three-piece suit, Andrea Bocelli somehow manages to walk into less things than I do, Abigail Breslin will not shut her pie-hole about being nominated for an Oscar as a wee lass, Anita Baker comes out of hiding to just chow down on the complimentary Entenmann’s coffee cake, and Andrea Barber, smelly-footed Kimmy Gibbler of Full House fame, usually arrives late because we slip her the wrong address on purpose. 



Yepperoni, it’s the AB’ers. 



We have to endure the endless Vaudville-ish jokes of someone cleverly saying “Hey!  ABC!” after hearing our initials, we blast Atchung Baby on repeat, discuss MLB “at-bat” statistics, worry about the atomic bomb, guffaw at the oh-so sweet racist jokes of Archie Bunker and realize just how close we were to having Alice Cooper being a fellow member. 



That’s the A/B Club for ya. 





"Lemon, don’t make fun of my name."



Lately, we’ve been missing one key member of the early alphabetically-ordered A-Team.  And now that she’s not around, I have a pit-bull worthy stranglehold on “best looking” in the group that is sure to reign until Alison Brie officially joins when her paperwork goes through.. 



That member, former teen star, retiree extraordinaire, inconsiderate road hog, and delightful drunk, Amanda Bynes.



She loves her drinks in mugs, she loves shots… but not mugshots.



Teetotaller she is not.  In the past six months, former good girl-turned-wild child Bynes, has come into contact with more cops than a glazed donut as her reckless and erratic driving behavior puts her a slight notch above Stevie Wonder pumping the gas pedal behind a Buick LeSabre.  DUI’s, suspended license, hit and run- it’s like letting a epileptic five-year old take their first run playing Grand Theft Auto smack dab in the middle of a grand mal seizure.  



Take a bike Bynes.



So, as Amanda Bynes runs over half the pedestrian nation and melts down like a Klondike Bar in Phoenix, I must take this time to distance myself from my initial sharer, because hey, I didn’t do anything wrong. 




For example




- Amanda Bynes posed for the cover of Maxim.



While I broke records with my cover shot on Black Enterprise…





——————



Amanda starred in the hit WB sitcom What I Like About You…



and I spent the late 80’s as Sandy Duncan’s two-eyed understudy on The Hogan Family



———————-



and inbetween crashing cars, Ms. Bynes is a fashion designer…



and me?  Well, I’m far from it.  Well, until my idea for a shirt made of Slim Jims finally reaches patent status.



——————



So I beg of you reading public, don’t let Amanda Bynes’ recent vehicular crapshow sour you on all of us AB’ers.  We’re good folk, and the forerunners to the showy “BC” group (I’m looking in your direction Bill Cosby).



I’ve conveniently left out her war of words with fellow “let’s make an obituary just in case” nutcase, Lindsay Lohan or her mysteriously undressing in a gym recently.  But she’s still not sportin’ a bald head, so we’re not at Britney Spears circa 2007 level… yet.  There’s still hope. 



I invite you to all reach out to your initial pals.  And don’t forget, if you’re an “AT”, Alana Thompson is in your group.  Alana Thompson is also known as “Honey Boo Boo”. 



Now you blog about it too. 



Love,

A.B.

How to Improve the NFL Cheerleaders

By Andrew Blumetti

I never studied writing nor consider myself a writer, but one thing I do know—  when writer’s block hits, give an old article a sprucing and post it on the Bleacher Report. 

Ba-joink!

http://bleacherreport.com/articles/1307912-improving-the-nfl-cheerleaders

Sports Figures Whose Lives Would Make Great Movies

By Andrew Blumetti

You don’t have to be a jock, or even drink Gatorade to enjoy this piece.  Sorry to Mitch Hedberg for ripping off his joke.

http://bleacherreport.com/articles/1319270-sports-figures-whose-lives-would-make-great-movies

 
1 2 3 4 5